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    “How Changing Your Story can Change Your Life” by Lori Gottlieb

    Görkem Gümüştekin • public
    • 5 min read
    “How Changing Your Story can Change Your Life” by Lori Gottlieb

    Table of contents

    Gottlieb shows us how rewriting the stories we tell ourselves can lead to personal growth and a positive shift in our lives, reminding us that we have the power to change our narratives.

    For Key Ideas, Questions and Quotes from this talk, you can scroll below.

    Lori Gottlieb gave this speech at the TED Conference. All rights to the speech and the video above belong to TED.

    About Lori Gottlieb

    Lori Gottlieb is an American writer and psychotherapist. She is the author of the New York Times bestseller, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, which is being adapted as a TV series. (Source: Wikipedia)

    Key Ideas From Talk

    I have always been fond of the word "story". However, it took me years to truly understand its meaning and depth. When I realized that life is all about stories, my way of living and thinking changed. This realization especially affected my perspective on the past.

    For a long time, I have been collecting stories that resonate with me and bring me peace. I correct any misunderstandings I may have had and rewrite the stories. This action has become so meaningful to me that it is also at the core of my dream job. By rewriting stories, I mean changing our lives.

    Lori beautifully explained that our lives are made up of the stories we tell ourselves. At the end of her talk, she tied it to a very meaningful place. Her speech helped me connect the pieces that had been accumulating in my mind for years and deeply affected me.

    1. We should embrace the concept of "radical empathy": This idea suggests that instead of judging or dismissing others based on their behavior or struggles, we should strive to understand and empathize with their experiences and emotions. It involves recognizing that everyone has their own unique journey and challenges.
    2. The power of naming and validating emotions: Gottlieb emphasizes the importance of accurately labeling and acknowledging our emotions as a means of understanding ourselves and connecting with others. By recognizing and accepting our feelings, we can better navigate difficult situations and build stronger relationships.
    3. The therapeutic value of telling our stories: Sharing our stories with others, whether through therapy or personal relationships, can be healing and transformative. It allows us to process our experiences, gain new perspectives, and find empathy and support from others who may have similar struggles.
    4. The impact of our inner critic: Gottlieb discusses how our inner critic, the voice in our head that constantly judges and criticizes us, can be detrimental to our well-being. She emphasizes the importance of recognizing and challenging this critical inner voice to cultivate self-compassion and self-acceptance.
    5. The role of vulnerability in relationships: Gottlieb highlights the significance of vulnerability in building meaningful connections with others. By allowing ourselves to be open and authentic, we create opportunities for deeper understanding, empathy, and intimacy.
    6. The value of self-reflection and self-awareness: Reflecting on our own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors can provide valuable insights into our patterns, motivations, and needs. This self-awareness allows us to make more conscious choices and cultivate personal growth.

    Questions to Ask Ourselves

    Embracing the concept of "radical empathy":

    • How often do I actively try to understand and empathize with the experiences and perspectives of others?
    • In what ways can I cultivate a greater sense of openness and empathy towards people who are different from me?
    • How can I practice "radical empathy" in my daily interactions and relationships?

    The power of naming and validating emotions:

    • Am I aware of my own emotions on a regular basis, or do I tend to suppress or ignore them?
    • How comfortable am I with expressing and acknowledging my emotions to myself and others?
    • What strategies can I use to better identify, name, and validate my emotions in order to foster emotional well-being?

    The therapeutic value of telling our stories:

    • How often do I share my personal experiences and stories with others?
    • What benefits have I experienced when I've shared my stories in the past?
    • Are there any particular stories or experiences that I feel the need to share in order to heal or grow?

    The impact of our inner critic:

    • How does my inner critic affect my self-esteem and overall well-being?
    • What are some common negative thoughts or beliefs that my inner critic reinforces?
    • How can I challenge and reframe the negative messages of my inner critic to cultivate self-compassion and self-acceptance?

    The role of vulnerability in relationships:

    • How comfortable am I with being vulnerable and showing my true self to others?
    • What fears or concerns do I have about being vulnerable in relationships?
    • How can I embrace vulnerability as a way to deepen connections and foster intimacy with others?

    The value of self-reflection and self-awareness:

    • How often do I set aside time for self-reflection and introspection?
    • What have I learned about myself through previous moments of self-reflection?
    • What practices or activities can I incorporate into my life to enhance self-awareness and personal growth?

    Notes From Talk

    ✒️
    All of us walk around with stories about our lives. Why choices were made, why things went wrong, why we treated someone a certain way -- because obviously, they deserved it -- why someone treated us a certain way -- even though, obviously, we didn't. Stories are the way we make sense of our lives.
    ✒️
    But what happens when the stories we tell are misleading or incomplete or just wrong? Well, instead of providing clarity, these stories keep us stuck. We assume that our circumstances shape our stories. But what I found time and again in my work is that the exact opposite happens. The way we narrate our lives shapes what they become. That's the danger of our stories, because they can really mess us up, but it's also their power. Because what it means is that if we can change our stories, then we can change our lives.
    ✒️
    We talk so much in our culture about getting to know ourselves. But part of getting to know yourself is to unknown yourself. To let go of the one version of the story you've been telling yourself so that you can live your life, and not the story that you've been telling yourself about your life.
    ✒️
    Depression distorts our stories in a very particular way. It narrows our perspectives. The same is true when we feel lonely or hurt or rejected. We create all kinds of stories, distorted through a very narrow lens that we don't even know we're looking through. And then, we've effectively become our own fake-news broadcasters.
    ✒️
    We get to shape these stories while we're still alive. We get to be the hero and not the victim in our stories, we get to choose what goes on the page that lives in our minds and shapes our realities. I tell them that life is about deciding which stories to listen to and which ones need an edit. And that it's worth the effort to go through a revision because there's nothing more important to the quality of our lives than the stories we tell ourselves about them. I say that when it comes to the stories of our lives, we should be aiming for our own personal Pulitzer Prize.

    This talk is a part of following list: "Talks That Changed My Perspective".